Hi, i’m Danielle and this is my story.
I’ve always been different, and unfortunately this meant I was often bullied, especially when I moved to new schools. It started when I was 9, a group of guys called me names, threatened me, assaulted me, every day. I was too scared to tell anyone, so I just put up with it. This wasn’t the worst thing that happened that year though, I received a phone call telling me that my best friend from my hometown had died. It tore me apart, we were so close and I never wanted to move away from him in the first place. I’ll never forget him, even now I still think of him, he was such a wonderful person. Rest in peace, Tom.
Going into high school, the bullying didn’t stop. There were more guys this time, the name calling and assaults got worse, it became a lot more serious. Again, this wasn’t the worst thing that happened. A group of my friends turned on me, I don’t know why, and they made a website pretending to be me and stole my phone, using both to insult the rest of my friends and turn them against me.
When I was 14, my mum divorced my dad and moved away. They had been arguing for a few years beforehand so I guess I should’ve seen it coming and prepared myself. It was extremely difficult when she left. We were so close and did so much together, but suddenly she was gone. I struggled a lot through this time, I found it difficult to attend school, I didn’t want to be around people, I wanted to be left alone. My dad fell apart when my mum left. I would be led in bed and hear him crying. It broke my heart. I just wanted him to be happy again.
Things got even worse during the following year. My dad told me I had to give up my dog because it was cruel for him to be left at home while dad spent all day at work and me at school. His name was Benji, he was a Jack Russell. We had him for around 8 years, since he was 6 weeks old and the size of a guinea pig. Having to give him up was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and I regret it every minute of every day. Everything had built up and I couldn’t handle it any more. I became suicidal, I simply didn’t want to be around any more, I didn’t want to feel the pain, I didn’t want more pain to come. But I couldn’t face leaving my dad. I couldn’t leave him alone. I began self-harming, I wanted to punish myself for what had happened, I blamed myself for everything.
After my mum left, she became depressed and attempted suicide on multiple occasions. Thankfully, she was found in time and taken to hospital. She didn’t tell me though, I had to find out myself. I think she’s got past those times now, she still struggles a lot, but she’s staying strong.
During sixth form, my dad became a lot angrier. He was shouting at me almost daily and would send me nasty texts whenever I wasn’t home. It became more and more difficult to live at home. I continued to punish myself, to punish my body. I lost a lot of weight during 2012, I stopped eating completely, and my self-harm developed into a daily activity. I made a suicide pact, however I did not go through with it, I couldn’t just leave the people I care about.
I began to get worse again over the summer of 2013. I didn’t want it to get out of control again so, for the first time, I decided to speak to a professional about it. My doctor diagnosed me with depression and said she’d help me through it. I was put on medication, including sedatives, and given weekly counselling sessions. Unfortunately none of the medication worked, so the doctor chose to stop it. The counselling hasn’t helped much either, and every day i’m getting worse. Every day I self-harm and have suicidal thoughts.
I’m trying to stay strong, but honestly, i’m scared, I don’t know what i’m capable of, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
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